What Have You Done To Me?

Deidre,

I would have written sooner, but I was only just released from the stockade today. I was arrested for breaking a man's jaw in anger. I have never stricken another man before, but so much has happened in my life lately that I never thought possible. I never thought a friend would turn to ridicule me for failing as a provider and husband. I never thought you would leave us to fool around with that slut you call your "friend". I never thought I would forget about our children because I was blinded with rage.  Our world has changed so much this year and I can't help but blame you for some of it.

I was lost when I found your letter. It took you just fifty-two words to explain why you left. Fifty-two words to justify forsaking me, Jonathon, and Emily. Looking back, that was where my unyielding anger began. The idea that the past fifteen years we have spent together was worth only fifty-two words was a slap in the face. I have never hurt you, but have worked hard to keep you and the children as happy and healthy as possible. I have given my soul to make your life as easy as I could and I have given you experiences that have paled in comparison seemingly only to whatever you have with Annette. I deserved better than to have lost you, never mind to have it explained away with the paltry sum of only fifty-two fucking words!

With that in mind, I wasn't about to give up on you. I left the children with poor Clara thinking she could use some wholesome company after what became of her husband. I then took to the road when I should have been resting from my last hunt. If nothing else, I wanted to get the explanation I deserved. I wanted you to look into my eyes and tell me that this was how little our family mattered to you. But along the way, I ran into the magic-wielding brigand that destroyed Edward and Clara. I gave him everything I had so he would let me pass. I thought that was the end of it, but now that I think back, the righteous anger I felt seemed to deepen after that encounter.

That was when I found my first deer in months. What irony it was to have struggled for so long to provide for you only to find this damned creature after I had already failed. I fear this wasn't the most logical thread of thought to follow, but I became infuriated nonetheless. I chased that animal deep into the woods and may have crossed into Tanis at some point. I wanted that unlucky bastard's hide, and to take its meat to my children. But before I could catch it, we both ran afoul of a larger predator. The deer rightfully belonged to the bear at that point, but I couldn't accept that. With nothing but my bow, I fought the beast and lost.

I woke up back in the village, embittered by my foolish mistake. Within days I had become an even bigger village fool than Edward, who looks more and more like a wanton wench by the day. That was when Joseph made the remarks that caused me to hit him. The most terrifying part was the satisfaction I felt when I sent him sprawling to the ground. It was as if my mind rewarded me for indulging my anger. I don't understand what's happening to me, but I know the anger isn't going away. But who is to blame? Is it you for betraying me so carelessly? Was it the bandit's sinister magic that did this to me? Or has this anger been hiding within me my whole life, waiting to be expressed? I don't know, and I'm starting to wonder if I even need to.

So, instead of continuing my journey to confront you, I am writing this letter to express the feelings you have left me with. I'm not sure I can even trust them after meeting the Robber in Robes. But here is what I can tell you: I'd better not see you ever again, for your own safety. I will never see the children again, either. Clara is good with them and she needs them a lot more than I do at the moment. Although you certainly don't deserve it, you can rest easy knowing they're safely out of the way of the man their father has become. I can't promise myself that I won't hurt anyone again, and a growing part of me looks forward to it. If only you could see what's become of me thanks to you, you would recoil in terror and I'd welcome it.

Sincerely,

Avery Hawke